The Quiet Power of Listening: Helping Kids Feel Heard

It’s a common refrain for parents and caregivers: “I want them to tell me what’s happening in their lives!” Most caregivers strive for a close relationship with their children—one in which kids feel safe and comfortable sharing and including their parents in their inner worlds. But this is easier said than done. We don’t talk to our friends the same way we talk to our teachers, and yet parents often have to step into both roles. In this post, we’ll explore strategies for responding to children and teens in ways that encourage them to open up more freely.

What’s Wrong with Asking Questions?

Try this experiment at home or while out and about: when you observe an adult and child interacting, count how many questions the adult is asking. Even in unstructured contexts—while playing or walking down the street—you’ll likely hear a constant stream of questions:

• “What sound does the dog make?”
• “Did you bring your water bottle back?”
• “Are you tired?”
• “What do you want for dinner?”

Some of these questions are necessary, of course. But many are not. It may seem counterintuitive, but asking fewer questions can actually help children feel more comfortable talking. Here’s why:

1. Questions take the lead away from the child.
   When we ask questions, we set the agenda for the conversation. A question requires an answer, and the pressure to respond can prevent children from sharing what they want to say in their own time and on their own terms.

2. Questions can imply judgment.

Even well-meaning questions often ask for justifications or explanations, which can subtly convey that there’s a “right” answer. Kids are often quick to detect this.

3. Questions don’t always show you’re listening.
   While a well-placed question might move the conversation along, it doesn’t always show that we are genuinely hearing our children. A question shows only that we listened well enough to ask something relevant that suits our agenda. True listening involves being present without steering the conversation.

What can you do instead?

If you're trying to reduce questions, you might wonder what to say instead. The goal is to help your child feel heard—without judgment—and seen for who they are. Two powerful alternatives to help get kids talking are reflections and descriptions.

Reflections

Reflections are one of the best ways to show that you truly hear someone. This means repeating back what your child has said—either word-for-word or paraphrased. For example:

Child: “I didn’t get to finish my lunch because I went for extra help in math.”
Parent: “Got it—you didn’t have time to finish your lunch because you went to get help in math.”

The child might expand on this or clarify further to make sure you understand. Either way, you're showing them that you’re invested in understanding, without pushing your own agenda. Amy Poehler once described this as “repeating what they said as a newspaper headline”—a simple way to reflect without editorializing.

Important tip: Avoid turning reflections into questions. For instance, notice how you read the two statements below in different ways:
✔ “Oh, you didn’t have time for lunch because you went to get math help.”
✘ “Oh, you didn’t have time for lunch because you went to get math help?”

A question typically has an upward inflection at the end. You can avoid this inflection by adding some inflection at the start of the question (e.g., “Oh, you didn’t have time for lunch because you went to get math help.”)

Describe

Another useful tool is describing what you see your child doing. This works especially well during activities or play. It’s a bit like being a sports announcer:

If you're baking cookies together, you might say:

“I see you’re carefully scooping and measuring the flour.”

If you're building with LEGO, you might say:

“Looks like you’re searching the bin for just the right piece.”

Descriptions show that you are paying close attention to your child and approve of their behavior. They also provide an opportunity for kids to correct or clarify what they are doing. Behavior descriptions show kids that you see them and you are following their lead. 

Important tip: Again, be mindful not to phrase these like questions. Notice the difference when you read these statements:

✔ “I see you’re looking in the LEGO bin for more pieces.”

✘ “I see you’re looking in the LEGO bin for more pieces?”

One says that you are paying attention, the other says that you would like the child to explain what they are doing. 

Making It Work For You

Reducing the number of questions you ask is harder than it sounds. Once you start noticing how often you ask them, the shift can feel significant. There are some important things to remember as you try to reduce questions when chatting with your children.

Be patient.

Reflections and descriptions may feel awkward at first. Your child might even call it out—“Why are you copying me?” A simple reply like “So you know I’m really listening” is usually enough.

Be authentic.
As you practice, you will find your own way to phrase these statements. Kids are remarkably perceptive and will pick up on anything that feels inauthentic. Practice helps you find your own voice in these strategies, and it will help you feel more natural over time.

And finally: questions aren’t bad. They serve an important role in many contexts. They help gather important information and often convey genuine curiosity and interest. The key is balance. Becoming more intentional about when and why you ask questions can deepen your connection with your child—and make room for them to share more of themselves with you.